True Blood "Analysis" - Episode 5.2: Authority Always Wins

Oh, True Blood… Last night’s episode, Authority Always Wins, was quite possibly the worst ever.

And that’s saying something.

We had Annoying Tara as Annoying Vampire Tara. We had Bill being a drip—shocker, I know. Eric had maybe one good line—and was not shirtless at any point. The Arlene-Terry-Noel-Firestarter storyline is seemingly pointless. And I couldn’t care less about Sam and his shapeshifter girlfriend’s troubles. The continued saga between Hoyt and Jason. And Jessica and Rev. Newland fighting over Jason. I started counting the various subplots in this episode and lost track, but I’m guessing it was over ten. Let’s hope this isn’t a sign of what to expect from the rest of the season. 

Obviously, the following “analysis” contains spoilers for Sunday’s episode of True Blood. If you haven’t seen it and want to remain free from spoilage, please don’t continue reading. Instead, I suggest checking out my review of C.K. Kelly Martin’s amazing new book for adults, Come See About Me.

“You’re in quite the pickle.” *snicker*

Thoughts and Reaction

  • Random: Sometimes I feel like the opening credits (with the Do Bad Things song and wild video) for True Blood far outclasses the actual show. They’re pretty effing badass, really.

  • Pam in her yellow flowered Wal-Mart sweatsuit is still my favorite thing from this young season. She’s just so put together normally, and the look of complete disdain on her face at her outfit is priceless. 

Do it!

  • This cracked me the hell up, and was likely the only decent Eric line, 

Vampire Authority Dude: Mr. Northman you’re taller than I thought.
Eric: I get that a lot.

  • Still with the cannibalism. True blood werewolves… SMH
  • WTF is UP with this Iraq fire storyline? Is it this season’s demon baby?
  • Just when Tara couldn’t get more annoying.. she becomes an annoying vampire. I know Tara’s a character who we all love to hate, but there’s a reason she isn’t an significant character in the books. And if she’s too lame for the books, that’s a good sign she has no business being in the television adaptation, which is markedly better than the schlockfest of the Southern Vampire Mysteries. *sigh*
  • Yes! Pam flashbacks! She’s a madam in a brothel?! I have been wanting the Pam-Eric backstory since the show began. They really have the most solid relationship of anyone on the show. Here’s hoping this will be awesome. 


  • Dude. Burning prisoners with infrared light? The Authority doesn’t play.
  • I really hope they do a recent job with the pack dynamics this season. That’s something that’s really fallen short in both True Blood and the books. They just gloss over the complexities (I know, I know… asking for complexities in this show is setting myself up for disappointment). That’s one of the reasons I like werewolf books when they’re done well (i.e., Mercy Thompson), the complex social structures. But they’ll probably muck it up.
  • Jason Stackhouse on relationships = good grief. He should write a column. Except I’m not confident in Jason’s literacy.
  • Stake House. *snicker *
  • The one nice thing I can say about Arlene: Her hair is extra hilarious this season.
  • Almost 30 minutes in and no one’s naked. Am I on the wrong channel?
  • Lafayette is the only character who consistently has a conscience and a sense of right and wrong. For example, his wanting to stake Tara was the right thing to do… for all of us.

Do it!!!

  • Less torture. More Eric.
  • You know how I said last week that I liked the Authority storyline? I hereby officially retract that statement. 
  • Still no nakedness. Weird.
  • My husband continues to watch this show with me and continues with his hilarious commentary (seriously, he should probably write this “analysis). His take on the vampires worshipping Lilith, 

Lilith? Lilith Fair?


  • He also had some thoughts on the deocrating choices of the Authority, noting that the centerpiece on their table came from the same store as our own dining room table, 

I’m glad the vampire council shops at West Elm.


  • I cannot stand Christopher Meloni. Cannot. Stand. I’m probably alone in this. *sigh*
  • Omigod. Russell. So effing disgusting. Let’s hope he doesn’t walk around with that face all season. Also: I am really not very happy about Russell’s return. I mean, I know that’s why Bill and Eric buried him in concrete, so he could come back when they ran out of plot ideas, but still…
  • No one was naked in that episode. OMFG. 

Favorite Lines: Cannibalism Edition

She just lost her son.


She just ate her son!


Go back to your human lives before I eat you.



True or False? A spinoff show just about Pam would be 100% awesomesauce. (Obviously, the correct answer is “True.”)

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