True Blood "Analysis" - Episode 5.3: Whatever I Am, You Made Me

This season of True Blood could not be more disappointing, am I right? Thus far, there has been very little shirtless Eric, no shirtless Alcide and too much Tara.

The only saving grace as been the Pam and Eric backstory, which I LOVE. 

This week, in addition to old-timey Eric and Pam, we had Emo Jason, angsty Alcide, more Arlene WTFery and Hoyt dressed up a an outfit borrowed from 50 Shades of Grey. What could go wrong? 

Oh, right, a lot. 

Obviously, the following “analysis” contains spoilers for Sunday’s episode of True Blood. If you haven’t seen it and want to remain free from spoilage, please don’t continue reading. Instead, I suggest checking out this wonderful review of Flirting in Italian from our fabulous new contributor, Rebeca (whose name auto-corrects on my phone as “Renegade”).

Old-timey Eric. YES.

Thoughts and Reaction

  • It is a known fact that episodes that include Tara in the opening scene are doomed from the start.
  • Can we talk about this vampire council child? Is he a creepy cool character or absolutely insufferable? I can’t decide. 
  • In a Sookie vs. Pam fight, I’m Team Pam, 4EVAH. 
  • Also: Pam’s hair = LOVE.

Can we have that Pam spinoff now, please?

  • “Elvis was spotted buying turkey jerky…” This reminds me, in the books Elvis is a vampire (Bubba)—why isn’t he in True Blood? I mean, it’s not like that would cause the show to jump the shark, since that happened in episode one of the first season.
  • Fifteen minutes in and Eric’s shirtless. About time you got back on track, True Blood. 
  • Oh, Bill’s shirtless too. *bored*
  • Is Jason going to start getting it on with his old teacher? He has an addiction. And the pickles? OMIGOD.
  • Ohhhhh. He has already had sex with his high school teacher! Ummmmm. Ew.
  • I am extremely amused by the costume design in True Blood. The little details crack me up, like Arlene always wearing dark bras under her Merlotte’s T-shirts. So classy. So perfect.
  • Ohhhhh. Eric and Bill have a backstory—that goes way back. Interesting. This is the best plot introduction this year, besides old-timey Pam and Eric, of course.
  • Nope. Still do not care about the following: Arlene/Terry/Firestarter; Debbie Pelt; Sam’s angst. More shirtless Eric instead, please. Or Alcide. Once he grows his chest hair back. 
  • I love how the Vampire Authority ladies wear random sparkly gowns. No, really, I love that so much. Random sparkly gowns are always awesome.
  • Bill sex scenes are not sexy. At all.
  • Heh… funny, the store Jessica is shopping in is called “Tracy’s Togs,” in the books, it’s “Tara’s Togs.” Which actually reminds me of a question, does Tara still have a job in the show? I mean, I know being a vampire is hard work and all but a girl’s got to make a living. Oh, wait, Sam will probably pay her to be a waitress who never actually, you know, goes to work. Ahem.
  • Of course Pam’s making story was dramatic. This is the only part of this season that I’m enjoying. 
  • More torture? As I stated last week, I am so over the torture. 
  • Emo Jason Stackhouse? Uhhhhh. Weird.
  • Eric’s disgust about Bill’s sloppy seconds is pretty fabulous. Also: Eric is pretty fabulous.
  • So many closeups of breasts. *yawn*

Grow some chest hair, okay?

  • “You were never going to tell me that you killed my girlfriend?!” Okay, so Alcide is angrier about Sookie lying to him about killing his girlfriend than he is that she, you know, actually killed his girlfriend. Priorities, man. Priorities.
  • Pam makes an adding machine look badass. Of course. 

Quotations: Oversexed Edition

Go back to dry humping each other or buying overpriced drinks or get the fuck out. 
— Pam

You taught me to do the only thing I’ve ever been great at.
— Jason {to his high school teacher who devirginized him}

I ain’t some mechanical bull you can come and ride whenever you feel like it. 
— Jason to Jessica


Laura has started calling this “analysis,” the True Blood “Snark-Cap.” Should we change the name of this “analysis” to more accurately reflect the season’s progression which will undoubtedly necessitate MORE SNARK?

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