True Blood Snark-Cap - Episode 5.6: In the Beginning

True Blood Snark-Cap - Episode 5.6: In the Beginning

Update: Guys, I know the episode number is wrong in the title, but if I update it, I will have to change the URL. *sigh*

I have some things to say about this season of True Blood.

Many, many things.

Screen shot 2012-06-11 at 10.55.02 AM.png

There is absolutely no reason for my inclusion of this image in this post. But that sort of makes sense given the inexplicable WTFery of this season.

First off, why oh why have they completely removed both Bill and Eric from Sookie’s world by enveloping them in the Authority world? The whole appeal of the show was the various entanglements of these three and now it’s just Bill and Eric wrapped up with this political stuff and Sookie angsting. It’s like they’re trying to actually be a mystery/adventure type show rather than the soapiness that it did really, really well. Where’s the drama? Where’s the smut? Come on…



On a related note, it’s becoming more and more apparent that Sookie’s character is not strong enough to stand on her own without the Bill-Eric drama. We see her occasionally going to work, stressing about how to get rid of her fairy powers, conversing with her brother about their parents, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera… And none of it matters because her character was essentially undeveloped for four seasons because it was all about her getting some hot vampire booty. Or whatever. 


No, Sookie, we really don’t care. At all.I used to really enjoy Lafayette’s character. He had a dash of humanity that many of the other characters lack—you could almost imagine knowing Lafayette. And now he’s brooding and possessed by demons or whatever and it has done absolutely nothing to develop his character. He’s just there. It’s pointless and frustrating. 

There are so many random, unexplained subplots introduced this season that it’s actually really hard to follow the show at this point—and True Blood is not at all complex. It’s just that each scene is so short that there’s not a lot to go on in terms of understanding how it all knits together. It seems like there’s less crossover between the characters, like they’re all in little plot bubbles. We’re seven episodes in and we still don’t see how everything that’s going on relates. 


Why oh why is the werewolf kid a husky puppy? It’s cute and all but it MAKES NO SENSE!!!

I had really hoped that the Pam-Eric backstory would last much longer. It seems like with all the time they’ve spent together, there would be a lot to tell that would, you know, help us understand these characters more fully. But, it’s quite obvious the True Blood show-runners don’t give a crap about character development. 

Finally, I a still extremely upset about the continued presence of Alcide’s Magic Mike waxed chest. Just no.

Anyway… on to the snark-cap. Obviously, the following “analysis” contains spoilers for Sunday’s episode of True Blood. If you haven’t seen it and want to remain free from spoilage, please don’t continue reading. Instead, I suggest checking out Renegade’s review of About Last Night by Ruthie Knox—I read it on Thursday straight through and it’s as good as promised, highly recommended for folks who normally avoid Big R Romance novels.

Thoughts & Reaction

  • Whenever I watch the previously on before the show starts, I’m all, “How the hell did they pack so much WTFery in one show?” It’s inexplicable. 
Screen Shot 2012-07-23 at 9.08.54 AM.png


  • Can we just stop with the Hoyt story? It serves no purpose whatsoever. 
  • I did not expect Salmone to be the mastermind behind Christopher Meloni’s death. Kudos, Salome, kudos.  
  • Who is this woman Alcide is rolling around with?! I am so confused! Oh my god, he’s kissing her?! Who is she? What is happening?! ARGH!
  • Also, I see Alcide is still sporting the waxed chest. No. Just no.

Rambo. Or whatever.

  • Oh my god, I do not care at all about Arlene and Terry and Noel and the damn smoke monster. Everyone knows the smoke monster was better in Lost, anyway. This is the truth.
  • Raise your hand if you care about Sam’s angst! *crickets*


  • Are Pam and Tara going to get together? Because Pam is too awesome for Tara. This is the truth.
  • WTF is this yucky blood ritual all about?! For eff’s sake. 
  • Oh, right… they all drank the ancient vampire blood so that they could get high and cruise Bourbon Street. That makes so much sense.  
  • Seriously, Pam’s crimped hair is a thousand kinds of fabulous.  

If I still had my circa-1989 hair crimper, I would totally do this as an homage to Pam’s style.

  • Am I getting soft? This sewn shut mouth thing is grossing me the hell out. 
  • The smoke monster in Lost was so much better than this stupid-ass one in True Blood. This is the truth.
  • I was totally rooting for Terry to shoot himself in that scene. Which makes me feel like a total asshole.
  • See all this gross-ass blood during the feeding frenzy? This is why vampires are not sexy to me. *shudder* 

Not. Sexy. At. All.

  • This is some seriously whack animation with the Lilith convergence. (I make a Lilith Fair joke whenever they say Lilith on this show—it’s hilarious in my head.)

WTF. Just WTF.

  • Godric!

Notable Quotables 

So you mom’s a real bitch.


Your son doesn’t have a grave because y’all ate him.


Seriously, you guys, next time I commit to recapping a television show for CEFS, it’s going to be something good like Justified. Mmmmmm…. Raylan.

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