True Blood Snark-Cap - Episode 5.9: Everyone Wants to Rule the World

True Blood Snark-Cap - Episode 5.9: Everyone Wants to Rule the World

BREAKING: This week’s True Blood didn’t suck (ha!) as much as the last few weeks’ episodes at least. 

We finally got resolution to the smoke monster WTFery, we said goodbye to Noel and it looks like maybe the hate group story is winding down. We’ve finally got some good ol’ fashioned True Blood double-crossery happening and the vampire war with humans is heating up.

However, there are only a few episodes left and we’ve spent all season waiting for something—anything—to happen. 

Obviously, the following “analysis” contains spoilers for Sunday’s episode of True Blood. If you haven’t seen it and want to remain free from spoilage, please don’t continue reading. Instead, I suggest checking out Rebeca’s review of Sarah Mayberry’s latest novel, which sounds really wonderful.

Thoughts & Reaction

  • Why do I subscribe to HBO again? 

Gratuitous Eric profile screencap.

  • Oh… right…  Hi, Eric.
  • This is not the sort of nudity I had in mind out of this show, guys. *shudder*
  • I totally forgot about that WTF seance story from last week. Lafayette used to be such a highlight of this show and now he’s a weirdass medium who’s angsting all the time? Why
  • Still with the Macs, huh?
  • “Luna, you’re really fucking annoying!” Yes, I think we can all agree on that point, Sam.
  • So Luna’s uncontrolled shape-shifting is magically fixed? All right. 
  • Does anyone believe that Bill isn’t standing on a box in this shot?

According to my “research,” Stephen Moyer is eight inches shorter than Alexander Skarsgard. This scene is gravely inaccurate.

  • I am very comforted that Bill and Eric are back to being rivals. It’s the proper order of things. 
  • All hail Pam’s hair!


  • Can I tell y’all a little secret? Jason Stackhouse has kind of grown on me this season. He’s just so stupidly honest. Yes, it’s come to this.
  • The website for the hate group is brilliantly terrible. 

I’ve seen worse sites than this.

  • I like Alcide in terms of Joe Manganiello being hot and I tend to like books that involve werewolf pack dynamics (ie, Mercy Thompson)… however, I don’t think True Blood has the chops to really explore this in a meaningful way, so I’m not sure about the point of these Alcide flashbacks. That is all.
  • Also, Debbie Pelt is back as a kid in these flashbacks? Can I opt-out of this crap?
  • What the what? I cannot even get my head around the reporter asking if the President of the United States is behind the hate crimes. And the masks. Geez.
  • Seriously, Noel, you are the worst True Blood character ever. 
Screen Shot 2012-08-06 at 9.31.26 AM.png

Noel should’ve quit acting after Felicity.

  • Now the former sheriff is part of this storyline? *brain explodes*

For once, Sookie, you’re not the only one confused about what’s going on.

  • And the sheriff’s girlfriend?
  • Luna and Sam are literally flies on the wall? What if they get swatted? *crosses fingers*
  • Arlene threatening to shoot Noel is probably my favorite Arlene moment ever. Granted, I’ve hated almost every other Arlene moment in the entire five seasons of True Blood.
  • Why is Salome “dressed” like that? Also, this Bill-Salome sex scene is pretty gross on a number of levels. *shudder*
  • Let’s talk smoke monsters for a minute. 

This is a badass smoke monster:


Hell yeah, LOST!

This is a lameass smoke monster:


Hell no, True Blood.Any questions?

  • At least the Terry-Arlene-Noel-Smoke Monster storyline is over. 
  • Again, why is Emma (Luna’s kiddo) a husky puppy? I mean, I love husky puppies, but it makes no sense. She is a werewolf.
  • I wish the Alcide as a lone wolf story had started earlier in the season. I think there’s some interesting potential there, but because True Blue has jumped the shape-shifting shark, I know already that the potential won’t be realized. *sigh*

Gratuitous Alcide profile screencap.

  • Can we talk about Bill for a moment? I just can’t buy him as a scheming double-crosser. That’s Eric’s role. Geez…

ALERT! There were some good quotables in this episode!

I don’t speak techy! Translate!


I ain’t Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost; besides, I am way prettier.


There are two things I try to stay away from: Humans who eat a lot of fish & politics.


Just because we drank a bitch together does not make us Oprah and Gayle. Get back to work.


We all fall short somehow. You use your dick for a compass…. Me? I’m just a bad cop.

—Frank Sobotka, err, Andy the Sheriff

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